I want to divorce my wife but why am I so afraid to?
I have been married for 20 years. We have 3 kids. The kids are a bit older but still all at home. 17, 21, 24 respectively are their ages now.After 10 years of marriage things started to fall apart. My wife took on a job with the church and since then has become a fanatic holy roller. She eats sleep breathes religion she now teaches classes on saturday for 5 hours , must attend church and volenteers for stuff every sunday. so after 3 years of this stuff i did screw up and started having an affair with a girlfriend i had before i married. This affair went on for 4 long years. It was hell because my wife new about it but yet would not divorce me because I think she knew i didnt have the guts to divorce her because of the kids. It was hard because this other woman also had a daughter and i was literally taking care of my family and alot of my girlfriends needs as well like housework things that were tough for her etc..Anyway the stress got to me and my kids were getting older and wondering what was going on so i did the NOBLE thing i guess and ended th affair which was very tough for me because this woman meant alot to me. She did alot for me and my kids without them even knowing it. So anyway for the last 6 years of my marriage i tried to make it work.The religion thing has caused major problems. My kids dont like it, my oldest son wont even step into a church anymore. we have lost friends because it is all she talks about. Our sex life is gone because we cant talk about sex we have to be making love otherwise we are fornicating and thats against our religion. She has gained 60 pounds and almost had a stroke due to a clogged artery in the base of her neck. Anyway i begged her to start going to the gym with me but she hates gyms, i offered Jenny Craig, nutrisystems, bought a treadmill used it for a week, got her a bike rode it once. I give up. I pay all the bills, do most of the housework and i am fed up. She puts the church and her so called students, her latest job and her DAR group ahead for me and my kids. Laundry is a mess the house is always cluttered I am sick of it. We are just roomates. She is financially irresponsible stills bounces checks, refuses to do online banking. The kids all know we have problems. my oldest son who is my stepson cant believe i stay with her. About a year ago my wife told me i was not a good lover and the worst kisser she had ever been with. After 19years she tells me thissss. She tried to give me kissing lessons. She stopped me 12 timeswhile she was so called teaching meI and got frustreated. i told her a robot couldnt kiss you like that and needless to say that was the last time we kissed and had sex. Oh yes we could only do it in certain positions because after 19 years she said it always hurt, also the lights had to off and under the sheets so i couldnt see her body because she thinks she is fat. So why am i still here???? i started seeing my old girlfriend again and i think we are in love, we get along great she owns a business, has abig home sex is great we are a perfect match but for some reason i am afraid to get a divorce. I guess the thought of having to sell my home and go rent a house and all the expenses and the hurt etc Also i feel sorry for my wife. She cant do anything for herself. she cant even unplug the toilet. i dont know how she will make it and i feel sorry for her and i really shouldnt. maybe i am over thinking it all. maybe i should just do it and roll with it but i am afraid that it wont work out with my girlfriend and i will end up alone in some apartment somewhere because truthfully i am kinda shy and not very outgoing. thanks for listening

I’m sorry you’re in a bind, but please come back when you have learned to write a coherent post. This is not a question so much as a novella. You are going to put off a lot of people who are not in the mood to decipher your lengthy run-on paragraph.

Help us to help you.
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your a P****!!! MAN UP buddy..pick one or the other
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You’d be surprised at what "helpless" women can do when so compelled. Figure out what a divorce would mean for you (pros and cons). Make your decision and act on it.
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Even if you did end up alone it can’t be worse than staying there. Your wife will learn to look after herself if she has to and anyway she didn’t feel sorry for you all these yrs she’s been treating you like crap. I’d sell up, split whatever and move on with your life or you’re going to have another 20 yrs of…. nothing!
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taking that first step is always the hard step, after that. things start to become a little easier-soon it will be like it was a bad dream. but you will never know if you don’t "GET 2 STEPPIN"
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faith

You’ve been with her so long that it’s difficult to make a change. It’s time to move on. You need to think of your happiness and your future. Do you want another 20 years of this type of treatment??
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If she so much a holly roller why doesn’t she know that bouncing checks or any debt of any kind is a sin?! She sound more like the devil to me ya know …..give him an inch he takes a mile be smart get the hell out and get rid of the excess "Bag"gage
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You shouldn’t worry. Your wife won’t be alone! She has GOD on her side and all of his followers in her church!!
And those kids of yours, who by the way, the 2 oldest should be out on their own!

It doesn’t sound like she loves you if she cuts you down for kissing and love making.

Don’t worry about being alone, it sounds like you already are at home anyways.
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you need to sit and make two lists and be brutally realistic with them and your self. The pros and cons of staying and leaving. Do not involve the girlfriend. You need to do this for yourself not for her. If you can’t take the emotional and mental abuse anymore than you need to walk away. Your wife will find a way. She has a huge support system within her church. Someone will unplug her toliet for her. If you leave you need to leave don’t straddle the fence it will only punish hte two of you and drag on the aggony.
Try a councilor or even search the web and find someone neutral and a stranger who will just be your listening board. Sometimes just vocalizing your thoughts is all you need to make the right decision.
I don’t envy you your life in the short term is going to be volitile but hang in there and in the end you will be a stronger person who has self worth in themselves again for doing this
Good luck
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Tell your wife exactly how you feel and what you are considering and why. Its more her fault than your own be brave.
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those last two lines were telling. you’re not being noble, you’re being cowardly. if a marriage isn’t working and it’s exhausted from fruitless attempt, then you get divorced, then you get a girlfriend. be a man and face up to your problems. and just b/c you get divorced doesn’t mean you can’t help your ex out here and there when she needs things; divorce doesn’t have to be a war. and as far as the kids go, you’re doing more damage bringing them up in an unhappy home.
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You should try to work things out with your wife if more guys would stop cheating on their wife marriages would work its guys like you that are p***s
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Yes, you should leave, and here’s why:

Marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust. You have only one of these for her…. trust. I trust my car but it is hardly a marriage.

Secondly, your kids are now old enough to fend quite well for themselves.

And thirdly you mean nothing to her. Sweetie, she had acquired an addiction……………..religion. And as such, you are at least number two in her life, when a spouse ought to be number one.

There is nothing better than a partnership with a loving spouse. You don[’t have that. And you won’t get it from her.

There is nothing the matter with you other than the fact that you haven’t accepted the obvious:

Things wear out: teeth, tires, carpets, and yes, marriages. The reason for your marriage has long ago disappeared. You have a roommate…. and she has you on a guilt string.

Personally, this isn’t a marriage, and life is too short to try to fix it, frankly, in this case. Addicts don’t give up addictions, they simply acquire more, or take on a different one.

Very few marriages that one jumps into immediately out of a marriage survive. You and your honey will need help, and it may all crumble down around your years after you two move in together, within three years.

But would you rather take that chance and get counseling with her to help it succeed, or stay where you are?

And hon, only you can make that choice.
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teacher/counselor 26 years.

If this is on your mind then it means that you are ready to go the next step. Go to the web site divorce360.com so that you can really see what steps you need to take. Fare warning i to am going through a divorce and its expensive…but i am happier at this point in time. Sometimes a divorce is the only solution to making someone else c that it can’t be all about them. It may also be that all this is her scape goat because she isn’t happy as well and is using the church as an escape. If she did love you she would at least do one less activity and turn that towards you.
Good luck.
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The kids are 17, 21, and 24. They are old enough to know what’s going on. Kids aren’t stupid and adults certainly can figure out if you’re happy or not (generally speaking). You’ve got a lot going on here. While I don’t generally respond to posts such as this I felt a little drawn to your question.

First, your kids are old enough to take a little responsiblity around the house. So, if your house is a mess I really hope one of you is trying to teach them to be responsible and help out where they live. You didn’t have to keep offering your home to them and they are very lucky so I hope they’re doing their laundry, picking up after themselves, and cooking occasionally. Or if they have jobs they can at least do a few chores to help out. I just saying this is going to help THEM and create less family stress.

Have you seen they movie…The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? It kinda gives you a perspective. Life is short. You can always move on to something new or you can stay and try to make it work. If you have not seen the movie I strongly encourage. You may think it’s crazy advice but, maybe it will speak to you. Fundamentally, you shouldn’t stay with your wife because you’re scared your old girlfriend won’t be with you or that you’ll be alone. You should stay because you want to try and make it work. Counsling at this point from what you have said.

Your girlfriend has no reason to take you back. You choose someone else over her (only saying from her perspective that was probably very hard not making judgement call about your marriage). It was probably hard. You should make it clear how grateful you are for her even CONSIDERING to make a life with you. Make it clear you’re thankful IF this is the path you choose.

I agree with the previous poster women can make-do when they need to. She’ll figure it out. She’ll learn…not to bounce checks, not to clog the toliet (the plumber is a phone call away), to get a job. I was nervous about doing all these things but, I learned too. It’s called becoming an adult. Yes, my husband is there for guidance but, I know I could do it and figure it out (it’ll take me 10x longer) but, I could figure out a way. Your wife can too. Just don’t let her destroy your credit before you divorce…..if you choose that path. Consult a lawyer before filing.

Of course you care about your wife and divorce I could only imagen is one of the most painful things. You have to admit it didn’t work…that you’re not happy. I’m not sure why your wife turned to religion. You need to decide if you’re willing to work though the issues or if you’re done.

Fear is not a way to live life. You should watch the movie.

Good luck!
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look up and get acquainted with the idea of religious addiction. religious addiction is the most subtle becuase it looks so noble.

the addiction is number 1. guess who is number four or five?

oh, next time please use paragraphs. your post was impossible to read.
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you know what you should be proud your wife is a Christian and the holy roller your talking about i was raised in a church of god people use to call us that but your wife is putting god first and that’s what she is suppose to do she sounds like a good christain woman you was wrong to cheat on her what if she did have a stroke and died how would you feel then your wife has done nothing wrong but you have
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Well she doesnt sound like a real Christian to me. When I was looking for a woman 5 years ago, I was looking for a real Christian but not a religious fanatic. A Christian would take good care of her self (her body) and take care of her responsibilities. It sounds like your wife is using religion as a place to hide from everything. Personally I am a beliver and enjoy church, Bible study, etc but I don’t like people who try to shove it down everyones throat. When it becomes fanatical, it will actually turn more people away. It gives a bad impression. I have seen it myself back when I first became saved and use to go out witnessing. Some of the people I was with were so aggressive, I seen some people run and hide and never want anything to do with it again. You have to still have tact and common sense and be responsible to your spouse and family. When I was single, I once wrote to a girl (I was looking for a Christian woman). Every sentence of her letters was Jesus Jesus Jesus. She wouldn’t talk about anything else. She put scriptures on the top and bottom of the letter and on the outside and God bless on the bottom, back, etc. After months of this I finally asked her about it said I would like to get to know her, to tell me about herself (not just about her religion). She answered the letter by telling a little about her family history and than more Jesus Jesus Jesus talk. That was it for me. And I like Jesus and have a faith. But anything to excess can be a turn off, even to a believer! Sounds like you might have grounds for a divorce.
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